Why you don't really want what you think you want.
If you're someone who regularly reads my blog posts and emails, you will remember me telling you about a guy I met last year and really liked - a lot - only for him to tell me he didn’t want a relationship.
Well, recently, although we haven’t seen each other, he’s been on my mind.
It’s been hard for me to stop thinking about him.
Not just thinking about him, but wanting him.
Longing for him.
Feeling sad that we aren’t spending time together.
Thinking about what I could maybe do to get him to change his mind.
I spent the whole day on Saturday in the park, by myself, mulling things over.
I noticed I was feeling quite sad, too.
Later in the day I had a video call with a really good friend of mine, and at some point towards the end of the conversation, she asked me what my plans were for the evening.
I said I didn’t really know, and I explained how I was still in the process of building up a big enough group of good friends here in my new city and therefore was not yet at the point where I always had stuff going on at weekends.
At which point I said:
“maybe that’s the real reason why I’m wanting something more from this guy - to fill a hole in my life and have someone to spend time with”
As soon as these words left my mouth, I knew it was a BIG realisation.
I realised that it wasn’t so much that I was wanting the guy, but actually, I was wanting good company and to not feel lonely.
As I mentioned in my blog about my vipassana retreat:
We don’t become attached to people or things, we become attached (or averse) to feelings.
So this insight helped me a lot - because then I knew what it was I was REALLY seeking.
It wasn't the guy.
It was connection.
It was to avoid feeling lonely.
And I can create these things, without him!
Funnily enough, 30 minutes later I got a message from some friends at my gym encouraging me to go out them that evening. I felt so happy, AND even forgot about the guy!
Are you really wanting the thing that you think you want?
It was a similar story in a conversation with a client of mine yesterday.
She was telling me she wanted to have more money, because when she would have more, she’d not have to worry or think about it anymore.
She wanted to be able to buy whatever she wanted and not have to worry about the cost.
And she didn’t ever want to think that she didn’t have enough money to buy something she wanted.
So the truth was, she didn’t want money.
She wanted freedom.
And she wanted to avoid feeling restriction or scarcity.
I helped her to see that she already WAS free.
And that there was no amount of money she could have that would give her that.
I pointed out that whenever she really wanted something, she found a way of paying for it.
And if ever there was a time she didn’t buy something, it wasn’t because she couldn’t afford it, it was because she’d subconsciously decided it wasn’t a priority.
She already always has been FREE to choose where she spent her money.
And so in that single conversation she achieved her goal of being financially free - not because she acquired more money, but because she changed her mindset.
No amount of money was ever going to do that for her.
Which is why, most of the time, people don’t feel fulfilled when they get what they want, because they were wrong about what they thought they wanted in the first place.
It wasn’t the relationship, the success, the money, the car, or the body, that they really wanted…
It was a feeling.
And none of these things ever really, truly come from outside of you.
They always come from within.
And it’s possible to have them regardless of whether you reach the supposed milestone you think you need to reach in order to get them.
Change your thoughts. Change your world.